Should I Join My Son on His Gap Year?

The experience of an empty nest can deeply affect parents, a sentiment echoed by Michelle Obama, who has publicly discussed seeking therapy to cope with hers. As a parent of two sons, much like Mrs. Obama, the impact of losing my older son, Jackson, due to a tragic accident in September 2023, has left my nest emptier than I could have ever anticipated.

While I haven’t pursued therapy, I have tried various methods to cope. However, by late 2024, I found most of my coping mechanisms depleted after my partner received a sudden cancer diagnosis and faced urgent surgery. In the midst of extreme stress, I decided to retreat and brace myself for what seemed to be another difficult winter, following a year filled with hardship.

As I dealt with profound grief and my partner’s illness, I also faced the loss of friendships. As various challenging circumstances unfolded, it became apparent that not everyone could remain connected during such trying times.

Yet, amid this unusual pause in my life, I managed to encourage my 18-year-old son, Rider, to embark on his well-deserved gap year earlier than planned following a challenging year filled with his A-level exams. With my partner beginning three months of postoperative preventive chemotherapy and Rider’s friends scattered across universities or off on their travels, there was little excitement left at home, which felt almost devoid of joy.

The support from the “Bank of Mum and Dad” helped ensure that Rider took a flight to Brisbane on December 5 last year. Upon arrival, he was greeted by my Australian half-brother, Jonny, sister-in-law, Felicity, and two of my nephews, Dominic, 10, and Memphis, 14 months, whom I had never met. It had been 16 years since my last trip to Australia (when I took a six-year-old Jackson along), and 12 years since my Australian relatives had visited me; the latest addition to their family arrived exactly one month after Jackson’s passing.

With the loss of both my parents—my Aussie-born, UK-based father in 2019 and my mother who returned to Australia 45 years ago in 2020 due to Covid—my remaining family was now on the other side of the globe. Despite living in the UK for my entire adult life, I felt an undeniable connection to Australia.

Reflecting on my early memories from the year I spent in Australia at the age of three, when my mother briefly separated from my father, I recalled visiting my mother’s roots as a country girl from an expansive sheep station. After my parents reconciled, I returned from my adventure in the Australian bush back to London suburbs, accompanied by a sun-kissed tan and a thick Aussie accent.

After Rider settled in, I anxiously reached out for updates via WhatsApp. Previously, he and Jackson navigated the complexities of their blended family, always having each other’s support. Now, Rider faced the daunting task of managing his newly-separated yet grieving parents on his own, which was certainly a challenging balance for all involved. Thankfully, technology allowed us to stay connected.

“What do you think of Australia so far?”

“Amazing. I love it!”

“That’s wonderful! Show me the view!”

Rider shared a stunning image of a sunset over the gum trees, with the sparkling Southern Cross emerging in the early evening sky. I felt a mix of joy and longing as I responded.

“That looks incredible. Enjoy every moment. Love you lots…”

The emotional pull was undeniable. Nevertheless, I understood that having Rider far away during another emotionally challenging winter was for the best. Not long before he passed, Jackson reflected on 2023 being “the perfect summer.” In an ironic twist, following Jackson’s death, 2023 transformed into my own version of a “perfect summer.” Yet, as I looked forward, the promise of future joyful summers felt ever elusive.

As I prepared for my partner’s chemotherapy treatment, I committed to being there for him while also contemplating how to reclaim my own space afterward. As Rider celebrated Christmas in Australia with barbecues, swimming, and enjoying his time at Surfers Paradise with his cousin, I devised a plan. When Rider traveled to Sydney for New Year’s and then to Melbourne, I pondered the prospect of joining him on his gap year.

Have you ever accompanied your child on their gap year? Share your experiences in the comments below.